An Open Letter to My Daughter

KC,
You are doing so well with the talking now. Your vocabulary of single words is growing so much I have lost count. You’ve even added some two word phrases, which is a great milestone! However, we need to talk. I have noticed something that, if not addressed now, could become a big problem in the future. When spoken to, or asked a direct question you seem intent on repeating the last portion of whatever I say. For example:

Me: “Would you like some milk?”
You: “Milk.”

Me: “It’s time to brush teeth.”
You: “Teeth.”

Me: “Is that the kitty?”
You: “Kitty!”

Me: “Ok, now stand up.”
You: “Stand up.”

Me: “Where did I leave the keys? Shit!”
You: “Shit!”

I’m so proud of you that I hesitate to even mention it. But, where will this end, KC? I fear if you don’t stop you will become that kid who just keeps repeating everything others say to them.

Other kid: “Want to go play on the swings?”
You: “Want to go play on the swings?”

Other Kid: “Seriously, it will be fun.”
You: “Seriously, it will be fun.”

Other kid: “Why are you repeating what I say?”
You: “Why are you repeating what I say?”

Other kid: “No, really, stop it.”
You: “No, really, stop it.”

Other kid: “Stop it! You are so weird!”
You: “Stop it! You are so weird!”

I think you get my point. KC, I love you to pieces and, again, VERY proud of the vocab and how it’s blossoming. Just try to come up with some more original ways of answering us. Please. It’s for your own good, I swear. Mommy loves you.

xoxo

Is it just me, or is it cold in here?

Up and Running

I need to get back in shape. I used to be really great about exercising and eating well. Then I got married. My eating habits got a bit worse, but I still exercised pretty regularly. Then I had a baby. At one point I had visions of being the super mom with the jogging stroller who ran the neighborhood each day. Not so much. (How many calories do you burn moving piles of laundry around?) Eighteen months later, I am still struggling to even make the occasional trip to the gym on my lunch hour. I have become pretty sedentary these days. Lots of sitting at my desk and on my couch.

Those who know me might say, “You look good! You don’t need to worry about your weight.” (Blatant compliment fishing.) While I will agree that I am not that overweight by most standards, I have to insist that I am slowly and steadily making my way there. Right now I weigh about 150 lbs. I am 5′ 6″ barefoot. That’s not too bad. I am pretty satisfied with my size 12 figure most days. But, and that’s a big BUTT (pardon the pun), there was a time when I was about 15 lbs. lighter and, more importantly, I had a lot more energy and ate better. Why? I felt good emotionally. I felt healthy. I felt motivated. I even felt a little bit like an athlete. I finished 4 marathons for God’s sake! I was fit.

So. My really big reason for getting myself back on the fitness bandwagon isn’t just to see a certain number on the scale, or on my clothing labels. It’s to feel better, have energy for my baby girl and to be a role model for her. To not just tell her it’s important to get up off the couch and live healthy. I want to show her how it’s done. I firmly believe exercise betters your whole body. Mind included. It’s a real mood elevator for me.

I am doing two things to get my butt in gear:

#1 – I am joining The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. You can check them out by clicking here, or clicking that cute chick in the red swimsuit over to the right side of my blog. I found this site via another wonderful blog that I read often. A new challenge is just starting at the “Sisterhood” so I figured I would give it a go. You’ll see an update on what I’m doing to be more healthy each Wednesday. I may even post a photo of me now when I get home tonight. A before picture. Yea! Maybe. We’ll see how brave I am about flashing the muffin top.

#2 – I have signed up for a 10k race on May 31st. I will be participating via the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training Program. We kick off on April 4th and you’ll be hearing more about that soon too. A 10k is 6.2 miles. My plan is to run it. No walking breaks at all. Something I have done before. Just not in a really long time. It was many bowls of ice cream ago.

So! My goal today? Go home and weigh myself (yuck) to be sure that 150 lb. reference is correct. Maybe post a photo, and just start making good choices. Like not eating ice cream every night. My husband and I love ice cream. We show our love for ice cream as often as possible. It’s time to start loving something that loves me back. I also pledge to go to the gym on my lunch break tomorrow.

March 26 – Weigh In Update:
My scale needed to be calibrated. It was off by 3 lbs. Not in a good way! So my official starting weight is 153. I guess that means an 18 lb. loss to get back to 135 lbs. Also…I took some before photos, but I’m not going to post them now. Maybe at the end of the challenge I’ll put up the before and after. We’ll see!

Little Miss Independent

KC didn’t miss us at all. She was fine all weekend at GG and Gramp’s house. Perfectly behaved. Slept well. Had fun. The truth is, I was fine too. I didn’t get teary when she and my mom drove away. I didn’t worry and fret while I should have been relaxing and having fun. I had fun with my friends. A lot of fun. Too much, actually. It was all good.

Here’s a re-cap:

Children and travel = too much crap in a car.

18 month old daughter on first trip to grandparent’s alone = more cell phone calls in one weekend than I usually make in one month.

36 year old chick/mother + head cold + LOTS of beer, dancing and staying up until 3 am = very good time + loooooooong car ride home on Sunday + shitty Monday at work.

I am tired as hell today, but I had so much fun pretending to be single again. Poor husband worked all weekend long. But…

Lots of work for husband = lots of money in next paycheck.

He’s a good man. I really need to do my “homework”. Two other people know what that means. If you aren’t one of them, NO, I will not explain it.

No Small Affair

I am in love with another. Love deeper than I ever imagined. Love that is different from, yet rivals, romantic love or other types of familial love. I am talking about the love I feel for my daughter. I am crushing on her if you will. I know my husband feels this too. He has also casually mentioned that he thinks of her many times during the course of a day. It’s grown in the 18 months we’ve both known her.

Ask any (normal) parent and they will tell you, the love you feel for your child is like no other love you have known, or ever will know again. It sneaks up on some. For others it’s instantaneous from the moment they feel the first kick in the womb, or see the baby’s face the day they are born. If you are of the former crowd, like me, there’s no shame in it. No shame that the first few months of love were nothing compared to what you are feeling now that your little bundle is starting to talk back to you. To look at you with far more meaningful (sometimes challenging) glances and stares. The best love needs time to grow, after all.

Her sweet chubby cheeks, her bright blue eyes, her soft halo of hair just starting to grow in…her long arms and legs (she’s going to be tall, this one) and her funny, round, protuding belly…all these things I see in my mind’s eye when I am away from her. When I’m with her it’s all I can do to keep myself from incessantly touching, pinching, hugging squeezing, caressing. A couple of times lately I’ve indulged these urges only to have her pull away a little bit. Signs of an older child who doesn’t need me constantly touching and loving so much. No biggie. I don’t take it personally. I’m not a fan of being stroked all the time either.

This weekend will be the first time she’s going to be taken from us. Ok, fine. That’s melodramatic. I am GIVING…sorry WE are giving…her to my mom and dad for a weekend. Her first big trip in a car with GG. To play and visit at GG & Gramp’s house from Friday evening until she rides back home again on Sunday afternoon. I am excited for my own weekend trip with girlfriends in North Carolina. I’ll be honest though. My heart clenches every time I think of her…going off in a car that isn’t mine or Ted’s. To be cared for (albeit lovingly) by two people who are not us. People who live a whole 3 hours from KC’s warm, safe house. Will she miss us? Will she even notice as she plays and gets doted upon by grandparents and neighbor’s children? Will she cry? Will I have to drive home on Saturday at 3 am because she simply cannot be calmed and calls out “Mama! Mama! Mama!” all through the lonely night??

Sorry. I’m being silly, I know. She will be fine. She probably will miss us, her Dad and I. However, I am certain she will also have fun with GG and Gramps. It’s going to go by so fast we will hardly even realize we’ve been apart. But still. Those first moments, when I watch my Mom’s car pull away with her inside will be torture.

Then I’ll get over it and go have a good time with my girls. And maybe call GG a few dozen times over the course of 2 days. Love…she is a bitch. No?

First this, then that.

KC is definitely moving into the next stage of development. This stage involves really knowing what she wants and expressing her displeasure if she doesn’t get it. Sometimes this means we get a tiny glimpse into the temper tantrums that will come with ages 2-3. For example, she hates diaper changing lately. Particularly the wiping part. She will express her distaste by flailing and exclaiming quite pointedly, “No, no, no. No, no, no.” Also, she loves bath time. If we let her, she’d stay in the tub all night. When pulled out early she does this maneuver where she raises her arms straight into the air as I try to lift her by the armpits. Thus, turning herself to a pile of ooze as she attempts to slither from my grasp. And, of course, the obligatory “No, no, no.”

I have found that I can calm her and get her cooperation sometimes by negotiating with her. For example: “KC. First we change your pants, then you can watch Jakers. First pants, then Jakers.” (For those unaware, Jakers is an animated series we have on 3 DVDs. KC loves it. And, by “loves” I mean “has become completely obsessed with”.)

This negotiating also works with eating meals. She has always eaten well. We really cannot complain too much in this area. I know we won’t be exempt from the older toddler habit of choosing one or two favorite foods and forsaking all others. For now, we are still getting fruits and veggies in her every day. My big complaint is when she only nibbles a few bites and declares herself “Done!” Then she starts trying to wiggle out of the chair. “Jakers!” she’ll insist, letting us know she’s had her fill and wants to move on to the living room. I’ll say, “No. Eat some more beans and then you are done.” She eats a bean. “One more bean and then you’re done.” She eats another. “Eat that meat stick and then you’re done.” At this point she usually starts to get wise to my game and will refuse to eat more. Sometimes I get lucky and the request to eat just one more bean, or pineapple, or meat stick results in finishing off every piece left. I feel a real triumph in those moments.

I don’t know how long these little “games” of reason & negotiation will work. Not forever, that’s for sure. However, it’s kind of cool seeing how well she understands the situation. She really does seem to stop and consider things when I insist firmly, “First this, then that.” She’s getting it. You do what you have to do, and hopefully after you get to do something more fun.*

Now, if you’ll excuse me, she just woke from a nap. I can hear her on the baby monitor saying, “Jakers!” Since it is a rainy Sunday afternoon, I think I’ll indulge her video addiction a bit.

*Lest ye think I have magical powers, or am bragging about being some kind of “baby whisperer”, please know that 50% (ok, fine 75%) of the time, she still throws a fit once I get her on the changing table for a “wipe”, or when I drag her from a bath, or take an object away that she wants to play with. I’ve had some small victories due to “reasoning” and so has Ted. But, for every victory, there’s a wee tantrum. Or, five, but who’s counting?

Windows to the Soul, or Perfect Home for New Technology?

I often wonder what kind of crazy technology KC will be using someday. I am only 36 years old (Yes, only.) and just thinking how much technology has evolved in my life is awe inspiring. I distinctly remember my Mom getting a computer called the “Compaq” which was supposed to be portable. Ha! It weighed about 50 lbs. (give or take) and makes the laptops we use now look like iPod Shuffles. Likewise, the Mac computer I used in my college design class seemed so incredibly hi-tech. One of the original Mac models! It probably had a memory of one whole megabyte! I think they are now considered antiques. At the very least I know they are highly collectible if you still have one in good condition.

What’s even more hilarious to me now, the internet and email weren’t even widely used in homes and offices. Never mind being readily available in student’s dorm rooms or the library. Sheesh. What the hell did we do for reserearch? Oh. Right. Books!

Ted and I are pretty savvy with technology. We have all the typical stuff. Cameras have been the most appreciated in terms of interaction with KC. We take a ton of photos, and are starting to take a few short videos. I’m no professional photographer. My camera is a point and shoot. I get my best shots either by chance or outside on a perfectly sunny day. Catching her in those perfect moments is hard. I don’t live with a camera attached to my hand. When she’s awake, she’s all motion. Or she just won’t look at me. (Could be the TV constantly running.)

Sometimes while she’s laying in my lap, in those final moments before she drifts off to sleep, we interact in the most amazing way. We stare at each other, we smile, we laugh. She reaches out and plays with my nose, my mouth, my hair. Sometimes she grabs me by the face and pulls me in for a big sloppy kiss. These are the moments that I wish I could capture. Moments when a flash right in the face would not be a good idea. These looks…no scratch that…these long meaningful stares we exchange are enough to make me weep. Never in her entire life, will we be as close as we are now. I know this. I accept it. I just wish I could capture it adequately.

These moments have, on more than one occasion, made me wish my irises were literally cameras. Like, if I had some kind of mini device in there that activated just by thinking about it and…blink!…capture the moment. Then I could just, you know, stick a USB cable in my nose and download the photos onto my computer. Hey, it’s not so crazy. They put computer chips into dogs with all their info. They are working on tinier and tinier devices and computers for a myriad of applications.

I once saw a prototype on TV that was a portable keyboard that unfolded on a tabletop like a placemat and projected a screen onto the nearest wall. Hardly any hardware! You watch…someday we’ll just answer the phone by pressing a tiny button behind our ear. It will all be in our brains…”THEY” will be in our brains…24/7…listening and recording…hahahahahahaha…

Ok, maybe I’m getting a tad carried away here. Or….am I? Maybe someone will finally create that awesome machine that Judy Jetson used to dress and do her hair everyday. Dream big, kids. Dream big.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Why, yes! Yes I do! And my husband, and my baby too! And it’s a very dirty mouth! I should be in one of those gum commercials. You know, the ones with the creepy blonde stewardess?

We are now in week two of the Lenten season and I have given up bad language. I am doing it for KC, but also for myself. I am too old to be cursing like a frat boy who just downed a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20. How am I doing so far? Shitty! Thanks for asking! (See? There I go again.)

I should be doing that game where you have to put some change in a jar every time you curse, because “If I had a nickel for every time…”

Damn, people. Lets just say I could be a stay-at-home mom by now.

In other Lent news…I forgot it was Friday and accidentally ate meat for breakfast. F**k. Being Episcopal was so much easier.

Happy Birthday “GG”

Today is my Mom’s Birthday. Happy Birthday, GG! I thought it would be a good day to share some of my favorite things about her…

She never judges me and has always supported me. Of course I was a pretty easy kid, so maybe that’s more of a credit to me. (Just kidding.)

She is held in very high regard among many of my friends. She’s been like a 2nd Mom to some of them due to her unwavering and genuine concern.

She is one of the strongest women I know and also one of the kindest.

She still looks out for me now that I am a grown up. She will call just to hear my voice, send me useful articles in the mail and even slip me some cash just because she can.

She has a sixth sense about when I am down. She can tell by just a phone call if I am having a bad day and will usually call me again later just to check up.

When I first met Ted, he and I were what you might call “very good friends” (wink. wink.) but we never officially dated, or became a couple during those early years. I had many moments where I was frustrated and sad due to our odd (but good) relationship. Well-meaning friends often told me to stay away from him. My mom never once spoke unkindly about Ted, or tried to influence me as to whether or not we belonged together. She stood by me and listened and that was it. She trusted that if this guy was not good for me, then I would be smart enough to move on. She was right and to this day she has always felt that Ted and I had something special. We did. And we still do now. Even if it was slow to evolve in the beginning.

Now that Ted and I are married, my Mom loves him as if he were her own. And just like in years past, she listens when I have things on my mind, might give advice, but never passes judgement on either one of us.

Just as she never pressured me about marriage (I was 30 when I tied the knot. Much like her.) She never pressured me about having kids either. Quite the contrary, she made it very clear that was our decision and she would support us either way.

Now that she is a Grandmother (“GG” for Grandma Gordon) she is the best a kid could get. She loves the stuffing out of KC and I know she will give her the same unconditional, unwavering love she has always given me.

She’s very smart, very laid back and very funny.

She is one of my best friends. Now that I am an adult, we have some really good times together when we visit. Sipping wine, talking and being close in a way that only some kids can do with their parents if they are lucky. And, I AM.

****

I could honestly go on all day with this, but I’ll stop here. If you know my Mom, chances are you have a few favorite things about her too. Share them if you are so inclined!

Oh! One more thing I love…she takes the time to read and comment on (pretty much) every single post I write on this blog. Thanks, Mom!

Ode to Snow Pants…An Homage In Pictures

Oh, Beloved Snow Pants…Thou Art as Puffy and Warm as…um…well, thou art puffy and warm. On with the picture show…

What's this? Surely tis a dream...

Tis no dream! 6 inches fell during the night...

Pardon me, kind sir. Does this ensemble make me look too portly?

No matter. It keeps me quite warm...

...and warmth I shall need in this brisk wind!

Now, to find my way 'round without opening my eyes will prove a challenge...

One step...now two...no, no. This is just not working...

Excuse me, kind sir! Would you kindly ferry me to my destination?

A refreshment break you say? Capitol idea! I'm parched...

Delightful indeed! I have never before heard of such a delicacy as "roof popsicles".

***

Eventually, at our final destination…

Thank you, sir, for your trouble, however...these pants. I simply cannot move of my own accord.

***

A short while later…

Ah, yes! There we are! I can see my own feet again.

Fin.

Lazy Afternoon

Aside from the “weekend of three playdates” very recently, our usual Saturday and Sunday routine is very lazy. Being that it’s still wintertime, this is understandable I suppose. I hate the cold and am not really inclined to bundle up and go looking for public playgrounds so KC can run around free. The lure of my coffeepot and the couch are just too strong for me. I feel kind of guilty though. Lately KC’s weekend time has consisted mainly of videos running on a constant loop while I sip coffee and fold copious amounts of laundry.

Thank God she gets some fresh air during the week. Grandma takes KC and her cousin for walks and lets them play outside on days when, despite a cold breeze, the sun is out enough to make it bearable. The woman is a saint.

Yesterday evening (that’s Saturday) we did mange to go to church at 5:30 pm. A very new adventure for all of us. Our usual time (when we pull our asses out of bed) is 7:30 am on Sunday morning. I hate that so much. I cannot even tell you. After mass last night we swung into our favorite tex-mex place and got food to go. It was kind of fun. Church with small children is a tad stressful. We tried sitting in the pew, but were back in the “cry room” with the rest of the babies inside of 15 minutes. On the upside, it was a fun time for KC. There were a couple of other kids her age to stare at and steal Cheerios from. KC was particularly taken with the pretty blonde locks of another girl her same age. She kept gently patting her head.

As I write this, KC is napping after a long hard morning of Hello Kitty videos and playing with “Little People”. The weather is nasty. Cold and wet. They are teasing us with predictions of snow. Something like 6-12 inches possible for some areas. We shall see. I never really believe it until I see it. Maybe I’ll get a snow day tomorrow. I would be happy to bundle up against the cold air and take KC out for some fun in the snow. No kid deserves to be cooped up inside on a real, honest-to-goodness snow day. I may be lazy, but I’m not mean.