Dr. Badass and Mrs. Blob

Total “Badassery”. That’s a word I just made up. I didn’t Google the word, but I’m pretty sure I just made it up. We’ll just pretend that I did. It is a word that sums up what I feel while in the midst of a great workout or run. Like my 10k this past weekend. I am proud to report that I did really well. My time was 1 hr. and 16(ish) minutes. I ran the entire time. No walk breaks. That was my goal and I accomplished it. I felt really good. Until I saw the photos.

Let me stop here for a moment and just say that my Mom is amazing. She met me in Annapolis and actually stayed overnight with me. She paid for my hotel and a very good (and expensive) dinner in downtown Annapolis the evening before. She got up at O’dark-thirty in the morning and went out in pouring rain to stand with an umbrella to shield me while I waited for an hour to start the race. She never complained and never wavered. She wore a smile and was, as ever, my cheerleader. I love you Mom.

She also took a lot of photos, which was awesome. If she hadn’t done that, I would have no photo record of the day. That would have been a shame. However, as much as I appreciated those photos, they also kind of horrified me. Some of them were not, um, flattering. At all. The truth is I hardly ever find myself attractive in photos. They seem to always capture my worst angle. Usually it’s no big deal. I just toss them out put them aside.

But…on this day in particular I had felt the complete and total “badassery” of a real athlete as I moved through each mile. In my mind’s eye I was strong and beautiful. I was long lean legs, strong shoulders with a look of total determination and feminine beauty on my face at all times. All this in my mind’s eye. The camera is cruel. She reveals ashy, chicken skin on not-so-perfect legs, flabby arms, scraggly hair and a face that looked about 10 years older than my regular face. A face that wore a grimace of what could have been mistaken for pain and discomfort. (A few of the photos I speak of were taken by an events company out on the course. They later post them online.) It sucked to see that image looking back at me.

A couple of the photos were alright. I am going overboard on this description. However, I’m just trying to illustrate a point. The truth is, photos are often full of crap. For us mere mortals, photos can be unfair depictions of who we actually are. (Just look at tabloids that hightlight real celebrities in their not-so-perfect moments.) We are far more beautiful in real life than we are when captured in a split-second moment on film. Today at the gym I saw her again. The woman I love. The one I like to think is the real me. The badass, the Goddess, the athlete…ok, ok, I’m being kind of narcissistic now. But, I think you know what I mean.

When I am on the treadmill at the gym, doing my typical run, I feel invincible. Nevermind that I’m not the fastest runner. I feel great. I look over at that full-length mirror and the living, breathing, moving, pulsing, strong body in motion I see there tells the real story. That determined face that reflects back at me is the one I imagine in my mind. (Most days anyway.) The proud girl. The strong, beautiful girl. Nevermind that I still notice all the flaws. They are not as big to me when I’m feeling like “Dr. Badass”. At that point I have run far, far away from “Mrs. Blob” and left her sitting with her coffee and cookies and her self pity. Sure, she’ll be back, but I’ll put on my running shoes and shake her off once again.

A decent shot of me before the race started.

Ok, this one's not too bad either.

*****

I would like to also mention that I’m still “Down with the Sisterhood”. I missed yesterday’s weigh-in so I’m offering it up today instead. Surprisingly have not lost anything since my last report. I’m still at about 151. The new challenge has begun and runs until mid-July. Seven weeks. I will state here and now that I want to make it to 146. That is 5 lbs. I must work on my food choices a bit. It will also be a challenge to keep running now that the race is over. Am thinking I should sign up for a race in July or August to keep me motivated. Not with TNT this time. I think I’ll go solo and pray for some Saturday morning willpower.