Holiday Wreath Tutorial for the Anti-Martha

About a year ago I complained that I have a long to-do list when it comes to creative projects. I tend to buy materials for things and then never follow through. Paintings for KC’s room are the most unfortunate of my forgotten projects and my most recent is a step stool Ted built for her to use in the bathroom that I am supposed to paint with decorative cuteness. I want to finish it very soon because she really needs it to reach the sink. It’s been in the garage half primed and sanded for over a month now.

I do have one major success to report, however. Behold. A lovely autumn-themed wreath, just in time for Halloween and Thanksgiving. It only took me a year to finish.

Why, yes! Those ARE cattails!

It’s your lucky day because I am going to tell you exactly how to make one of these beauties for yourself.

Step 1: Go to Michael’s or whatever craft store is near you.

Step 2: Start looking at more beads you’ll never get around to using before steering yourself toward the holiday section for what you really came for. Find oddly expensive, twiggy-circly thing that you probably could make yourself if you tried hard enough.

Step 3: Wander aimlessly through the floral section of Michael’s completely aghast at how many varieties of fake foliage there are. Agonize over the cheaper foliage vs. the much nicer looking expensive crap accents that you know will make the difference in the end. Compromise by buying some cheap and some expensive accents. (You still need money for Christmas presents after all.)

Step 4: Go home and look at all the twigs and folliage. Scratch your head as you realize you have no idea how you’ll put it together in anything resembling a quality wreath decoration. Contemplate this for a few days then just stick two pieces of the berry-thingies in either side of the wreath. This twiggy-circle format seems to be ideal for this method, however it’s important to note that this may not hold for more than one season.

Step 5: Give up for a while and leave it sitting on the counter. Get sick of moving the thing all the time and stash it away on a high shelf in the laundry room. Forget for a few weeks.

Step 6: Have an ephiphany and realize “This must be why God invented floral wire!” Go buy some at Michael’s.

Step 7: Take a break for a few more weeks. You’ve totally earned it. Meanwhile, be sure to forget where you put the floral wire.

Step 8: Endure teasing and smart-ass remarks from Husband about that wreath you will never make. Plot his untimely death.

Step 9: On almost the one year mark from when you originally bought the bain of your existence wreath supplies, realize this is a 2nd chance to get it done by Thanksgiving. Buy some fancy ribbon to help finish it up.

Step 10: Grab a drink.*

Step 11: Decide floral wire is for amateurs anyway and simply stuff the remaining foliage in the twiggy holder/wreath then wrap the fancy ribbon around the stems connecting them to the wreath in whatever direction seems appropriate to balance the shifting foliage.

Step 12: Tie a knot and slap one last decorative ribbon on the front to camouflage your ingenious support system.

Step 13: Use another piece of ribbon at the top in a loop to make the hanger and put that bad boy on the front door. Sit back and wait for the inevitable praise.

That’s it! Thirteen steps in honor of Halloween and the fact that I honestly believe crafts like this are the tool of the Devil. Yet, come the holiday season, I’m always compelled to try one or two of them with relative success. Happy Autumn!

*I recommend Blue Moon’s autumn brew, Harvest Moon. A delightful pumpkin ale. Don’t worry, it doesn’t actually taste like pumpkin.

Artsy-Fartsy

Like my new header? I drew that shit by hand, yo. With a mouse. I’ve got mad skillz. Ok, I’ll stop now.

Any-hoo…

I really can’t wait until KC is old enough to do some art projects with me. I have the urge to do creative stuff like painting, but the idea of getting it all out and keeping her away from the paints and brushes is just exhausting. This age she’s at is exhausting to be honest. She is 20 months now. She’s busy. Always wants to be walking around, touching stuff and exploring. It’s normal, but it is hard work. I feel like her shadow some days. Especially in unfamiliar environments.

At least at home I know what she’s getting into. (Most of the time.) I tend to set her up in the living room and go about my business knowing full-well what she might come in contact with. Worst case, she pulls all our DVDs off the shelf. I can live with that. A few times I have let her have some crayons and a coloring book. She’s really too little for this activity, but she likes it. On two occasions now I’ve kind of forgotten to check on her while folding laundry or something only to come back to find a much smaller crayon in hand and colored wax all over her face. She eats the crayons. Seriously, eats them. Good thing they aren’t toxic.

I did discover that sidewalk chalk is fun for her too. She also tries to eat those, but when we are outside I don’t typically walk away for long stretches so I catch it quickly. Plus, our yard isn’t enclosed. I probably would walk away for a few minutes if she were fenced in. I have to be honest with you. I guess I could try finger paints this summer too. (Preferably outside.) Maybe I can bust out some of my watercolor supplies and join her. Of course, it will be hard to concentrate on finishing a picture of my own if I’m constantly helping her. Maybe next year.

It will be really interesting to see if she’s inherited the “artsy-fartsy” gene. It is fairly likely since both her Dad and I seem to have it. I feel pretty lucky that my artistic talents were nurtured from early on. Both my parents are artistic too. I was always in art classes and am now happy to be in a creative career. I just miss art on paper rather than a computer. Yet, somehow, that’s always where I find myself…making mastheads like the ones on this blog, cropping photos, designing personal stuff and doing my job as a graphic designer. I want to get back to my roots as a fine artist and I’m hoping KC will help me.

Does this thing have an “off” button?

I joked once to my husband that it would be kinda cool if kids had an “off” button. Don’t get me wrong, KC is wonderful and not at all a horrible child, but honestly there are moments when we just need to chill, or even work, with no interruptions. Truthfully, it would be cool if all people had an off button. Imagine the possibilities! I know, I know. All the liberals out there will cry, “Oh-ho-ho, no! Human rights violations on the grandest scale! No good could come of this! Evil will prevail…blah, blah, blah!” However, before you totally dismiss this, hear me out.

Your kids (spouse/mom/roommate) will go to bed when you want them to! Got a really boring event to attend like a graduation ceremony? Just turn yourself off! When your friends and/or family call and are all like “WTF??” You can be like, “OMG, I’m so sorry! I tripped and fell and hit my off button! I am so disappointed that I missed your incredibly boring important day!” Going on a long car trip? You and your car mates can take turns switching each other on and off to make the time fly faster! For that really annoying friend, you can just leave them off for a while and keep doing it whenever they act up. Make sure they are drinking whenever you do it. Later, you can claim they had a blast, but drank waaaay too much tequila and blacked out for much of the trip. (You know you have one of those friends. If you are confused by this one you probably are that friend.)

Do you get it now? Don’t you agree that this invention must be funded and patented immediately? Why has no one done this yet? By now you are thinking, “But, Jennie. Surely you realize the danger here. What if someone decides to turn someone off forever?” Impossible! We would build in fail safes to ensure this never happens! If you are off for more than 10 hours straight (give or take) you will come back on automatically. Your “chip” (or whatever) will then go into “aggressive mode” and you will not be able to be turned off for another few hours. This gives you ample time to totally kick the ass of whomever tried to keep shutting you down repeatedly!

I know, genius! Right? Ok, maybe not. But, it was an interesting fantasy while it lasted. Now, if I can just further develop my ideas on turning my cats into ROOMBAs that run solely on Meow Mix and dust bunnies…

Windows to the Soul, or Perfect Home for New Technology?

I often wonder what kind of crazy technology KC will be using someday. I am only 36 years old (Yes, only.) and just thinking how much technology has evolved in my life is awe inspiring. I distinctly remember my Mom getting a computer called the “Compaq” which was supposed to be portable. Ha! It weighed about 50 lbs. (give or take) and makes the laptops we use now look like iPod Shuffles. Likewise, the Mac computer I used in my college design class seemed so incredibly hi-tech. One of the original Mac models! It probably had a memory of one whole megabyte! I think they are now considered antiques. At the very least I know they are highly collectible if you still have one in good condition.

What’s even more hilarious to me now, the internet and email weren’t even widely used in homes and offices. Never mind being readily available in student’s dorm rooms or the library. Sheesh. What the hell did we do for reserearch? Oh. Right. Books!

Ted and I are pretty savvy with technology. We have all the typical stuff. Cameras have been the most appreciated in terms of interaction with KC. We take a ton of photos, and are starting to take a few short videos. I’m no professional photographer. My camera is a point and shoot. I get my best shots either by chance or outside on a perfectly sunny day. Catching her in those perfect moments is hard. I don’t live with a camera attached to my hand. When she’s awake, she’s all motion. Or she just won’t look at me. (Could be the TV constantly running.)

Sometimes while she’s laying in my lap, in those final moments before she drifts off to sleep, we interact in the most amazing way. We stare at each other, we smile, we laugh. She reaches out and plays with my nose, my mouth, my hair. Sometimes she grabs me by the face and pulls me in for a big sloppy kiss. These are the moments that I wish I could capture. Moments when a flash right in the face would not be a good idea. These looks…no scratch that…these long meaningful stares we exchange are enough to make me weep. Never in her entire life, will we be as close as we are now. I know this. I accept it. I just wish I could capture it adequately.

These moments have, on more than one occasion, made me wish my irises were literally cameras. Like, if I had some kind of mini device in there that activated just by thinking about it and…blink!…capture the moment. Then I could just, you know, stick a USB cable in my nose and download the photos onto my computer. Hey, it’s not so crazy. They put computer chips into dogs with all their info. They are working on tinier and tinier devices and computers for a myriad of applications.

I once saw a prototype on TV that was a portable keyboard that unfolded on a tabletop like a placemat and projected a screen onto the nearest wall. Hardly any hardware! You watch…someday we’ll just answer the phone by pressing a tiny button behind our ear. It will all be in our brains…”THEY” will be in our brains…24/7…listening and recording…hahahahahahaha…

Ok, maybe I’m getting a tad carried away here. Or….am I? Maybe someone will finally create that awesome machine that Judy Jetson used to dress and do her hair everyday. Dream big, kids. Dream big.

Take it Easy (Live)

I haven’t got much tonight, but since I have to post all December long for NaBloPoMo, here’s my answers to possibly the most fun email forward game/questionnaire I’ve ever participated in. I dare you to resist trying it.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the game from.

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1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Cold (Crossfade) – Maybe that means, “no, not even close.”

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
F.O.D. (Greenday) – I’m embarrassed to admit I have no idea what F.O.D. stands for!

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Pulling Teeth (Greenday) – Stupid shuffle picking favorites.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Notorious (Duran Duran) – Ok, now were are getting somewhere!

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Naked Sunday (Stone Temple Pilots) – Well, hello there!

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Love Walks In (Van Halen) – Aww. That’s nice.

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Pump It (Black Eyed Peas) – um. ok?

8.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Poor Twisted Me (Metallica) – Nice!

9. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Somewhere I Belong (Linkin Park) – Maybe it is GPS coordinates?

10. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Name (Goo Goo Dolls) – Oh, but I will tell someone your name, BFF. I will.

11.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Gloria (Laura Brannigan) – I did always like Gloria, she seems vunerable, yet strong.

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Lick It Up (Kiss) – Especially if it’s chocolate.

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hero of the Day (Metallica) – Aim high, I always say!

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Ride (UTFO) – um…EMBARRASSING!

15. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Boyz in The Hood (totally whitebread version by Dynamite Hack) – That just makes no sense. I have nothing clever here.

16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Guess Who’s Back (Eminem) – hahahahah, does this mean I’m doing it again someday???

17. What will they play at your funeral?
Shut Up and Let Me Go (the Ting Tings) – Seriously, I did not keep hitting forward for a good one here. This is really what came up! awesome.

18. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Drawing Flies (Soundgarden) – I do like to draw, although I’m not sure that’s what Chris Cornell is saying here.

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Hazy Shade of Winter (The Bangles) – I swear I don’t smoke pot. Anymore.

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Choux Pastry Heart (Corinne Bailey Rae) – huh? I guess you guys are good with coffee. Or something.

21. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Angel (Sarah McLaughlin) – I don’t want to explore that one.

22. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Youth Gone Wild (Skid Row) – Let’s just hope it’s not the youth asleep downstairs right now.

23. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Hot Blooded (Foreigner) – Maybe I regret not getting “hot blooded” more often.

24. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Candle Song (Ugly Kid Joe) – The song is kind of dumb.

25. WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Weirdo (Quarashi) – Ted! How did you get in here?

26. WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Everybody’s Changing (Keane) – Whatever.

27. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Get up, Get out! (Godsmack) – ok. sorry.

28. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Say Goodbye (Dave Matthews Band) – Sounds about right.

29. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
King Nothing (Metallica) – “Nothing” is my standard response when asked “what’s wrong”. Does that count?

30. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Take it Easy (Live) (The Eagles) – and I mean it too.

Peace out, bitches. I’m off to bed.

Tis the Season to Work Two Jobs

As many of you know, I do freelance graphic design in addition to my full time design job. It gets tough sometimes to juggle them. Part of why I “quit” freelance recently. I just felt a bit overwhelmed. Probably also had something to do with the, oh, I don’t know…baby?!

A few of my clients “twisted my arm” using dollar bills (heh. heh.) and now I’m back at it again. I was apprehensive at first, but it’s not so bad. It actually seems to come easier to me now. (No, it’s not the money. Although, that doesn’t hurt.) I think maybe I’m just getting more comfortable in my role as a mom and don’t feel quite as overwhelmed with what KC needs from me.

It’s still tough sometimes to drag my ass up the stairs to the office and get on a computer. Again. After being on one all day. However, that’s not how it feels every time. I typically take on smaller jobs that can be done fast, and are within my natural range of creative talent. I come home and spend time with KC, kiss her, hug her, read to her. I even sometimes stay with her until she goes to bed at 8ish, then go up and work for an hour or more. If a project is really big, I make Dad take over bath and bedtime while I dissapear.

These past couple of weeks I’ve been bombarded with freelance jobs. It’s a lot of work, but the jobs aren’t too big, so they seem to all fit nicely together. The back and forth for each one is like a well choreographed dance. One is done and off to proof, and the next comes back for more edits. Let’s hope that nice flow keeps up. I have to be careful. I sometimes bite off more than I can chew.

I’m feeling creative and energized this week, so imagine my pleasure at seeing this horoscope today…

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Capricorn, Thurs., Dec. 4th: Your creativity is on fire right now, so try to use it to your advantage! It can help you see new uses for old tools, a quick solution to a nagging problem, and even a fun way to put a smile on someone’s face. Your perspective is fresh and innovative now, and while your visions might alienate a few folks who just don’t get it, you are going to impress and entertain the majority of the people you will be around today. It’s a day when you can score a lot of points.

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Keep it coming people. I’ve got Christmas shopping to do!

Every. Single. Day.

A blog post. Every single day in December. Think I can do it? We shall see. I’ve joined a network of bloggers who do this kind of thing. Sounds easy enough, right? Marathon blogging. Ha! What I should really be doing is committing to working out every day in December. Yeah, right. That’s what New Year’s Resolutions are for.

Blogging every day. Sounds fun. Then I remembered that December is the month for, um, Christmas. That means I’ll have to blog no matter where I am. Thank goodness my Mom and Dad finally got DSL internet. Otherwise, I’d have to bear the herd of turtles carrying my words across the net while I visit with them for the holiday.

So, check in on me this month to see the amazing drivel genius I post each day. The creator of NaBloPoMo will be checking to be sure I didn’t slack off. NaBloPoMo stands for National Blog Posting Month, which is officially November. However, this site encourages bloggers to make it any month they want. I wonder if anyone has gone for a whole year? Insanity. If I can make it one month, I could win a prize. I perused the prizes for 2008. I have no idea why, but I would really like a Sock Zombie.

P.S. KC is still sick today. Daddy played hookey to take her to the doctor. Ugly cough and some serious mucus going on. I have a feeling antibiotics may be needed. Poor kid.

Now that’s what I call a successful weekend.

I am happy to report that I did something creative this weekend. Unfortunately, it was not one of the things on my list, but it’s a start. I began making some Christmas gifts. Given these “tough economic times” (are you as sick of that phrase as me??), I decided it would be frugal. Plus, I happen to have lots of really cool stuff with which to make nice gifts for girls.

Sidebar: Anyone who has gotten homemade stuff from me before, relax. It’s not a crudely-made scarf, a necklace, or anything really big and strange.

I will still need to shop in order to complete my Christmas gift giving. Not everyone will be getting a homemade gift. I don’t do guy stuff. Unless you consider food items guy stuff. I suppose I could make Chex mix again.  Mmmmm, Chex mix.

The key to finally getting my ass in gear: I cleared a big space on my kitchen counter. I worked at it on and off all day Sunday while watching KC play in the downstairs area that spans the living room and kitchen. It’s kind of a pain to have that stuff laying all over the counter, but hell if it isn’t the most convenient method. With it all up high, KC cannot touch it and I can easily stop what I’m doing and just leave it there without worry. Brilliant! Maybe next I’ll tackle those paintings I want to do for her room.

Creatively Constipated (Or, the longest post ever.)

I come up with a lot of creative ideas on a fairly regular basis. I buy materials and start some, I make notes about others, some are just beginning to form, but they are definitely in there. Rattling and rolling around like brilliant marbles. I just can’t seem to get any of them out.

My creative to-do list is getting long. Here it is if you care at all. Make sure you’ve got time to kill.

1) Original Artwork for KC’s Bedroom

I actually bought paint and little canvases before she was born. Still haven’t started. Ok, I did do some crappy sketches. I’ve recently started thinking I should do them by Christmas for a special gift. We’ll just see if that happens.

2) A Thanksgiving-inspired Wreath

This one’s very new. I bought a plain wreath made of twiggy-type stuff. I got some fake pretty, fall-colored foliage and berries to add to it. Simple, but pretty. I managed to forcefully jam the berry thingy’s into the wreath and very crudely wrap the ends so it stays. I’ll need to get creative with floral wire and maybe ribbon to add the leaves and stuff. Otherwise it will just look like shit. What’s the point if it looks like shit? I need to go out of the house and actually buy the ribbon, so it sits. Waiting. It’s almost Thanksgiving. Maybe I can use it next year.

3) Convert my jewelry website into a graphic design portfolio site.

This is a big one. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. The jewelry site was a fun way to show the stuff I created over the course of about one year. (Yes, it was most definitely before KC came along.) I also hoped to sell the stuff (which, I did) and, more importantly, I used it to get practice with web design.

I’m no longer finding time to make new jewelry, but I do a lot of freelance design (in addition to my full-time gig as designer for PSDA). An online portfolio is a must, and it’s crazy that I don’t have one. It’s just tough to make time for my own stuff when I’m always working on someone else’s designs. Shame on me, but there you have it.

If you haven’t seen the jewelry site and are curious check it out here. I just had a bargain basement sale on all of it, because it’s over 2 years old and somebody really needs to wear this stuff. I still have a handful of pieces left if you want them.

4) Turn the (yet to be created) design site into a double site for both Ted and I.

My husband has the same disease I do. Too many cool ideas. Talent to do creative things. Not nearly enough time/energy to make them all happen. We talk a lot. We need to DO more. We dream of making money off our creative ventures. Who doesn’t?! We both make some money with our side work, but it surely wouldn’t support us outright. Maybe when we are retired it will cushion that social security income.

5) Design my husband’s logo, or seek a marriage counselor. I’m weighing my options.

For those who don’t know, Ted does some side work too. He’s got mad carpentry, metal work and handy man skills. Friends ask for help and word of mouth gets him varied jobs on a fairly constant basis.

It’s really a shame that I haven’t done this logo for Ted. He’s been giving me input on it for over a year. Plus, I love designing logos so it should be easy. It’s totally not. I want to do it in my style, but it’s not mine so I can’t be that selfish. He’s given it serious thought, and come up with sketches. I cannot just toss them aside. I must draw them up and maybe sneak in some others that are more “me”. I do that all the time for client’s, and they usually bend to my subtle will. They see my new idea (alongside theirs) and the light goes on. “Oh, yes!” they say. “You are so right! That is what it should look like.” Yes, folks. That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

I have not really tried this yet with Ted’s logo. He has very definite ideas of what he likes. Sometimes I agree and sometimes I don’t. His logo sketches are good. I mean that. But, the designer in me wants to plaaaay. Waaah. I am sort of afraid to put too much effort into one I love only to have him go, “Eh.” Because, you know, ouch. I know he will resist me more than another client would. And, in this case it’s personal. hmmmm. That’s a toughie.

6) Write a Children’s Book

Yes, that’s right. Write it and illustrate it. “About what?” you say. I have no f-ing idea just yet. But I have two very old-schooly composition notebooks just waiting to be filled with words. I even started jotting a couple of ideas, but it’s hard. I suppose it’s an insult to real writer’s of children’s literature that so many people (I’m guessing since I think I can) think that writing a 5 page board book would be a breeze. “I’m a creative person! I can do this!”, we all (probably) say. Well, people, it’s just not that simple. It’s like logo design. Good logo design. How the hell do you put a world of imagery/ideas/info/etc/etc/etc into one very small package and ensure it is concise, easy to understand, beautiful and useful. It’s an art. One I have no experience with. For books, I mean. But, God Damn It, (pardon me Jesus) I am willing to try. I think.

So there you have it. That’s probably not even the whole list, but I’m tired now. You know…if could put half the effort into all these things that I am putting into this blog, I’d be flowing like a creative river. So to speak.