Holding Pattern

A quick update on my weight loss/weight maintenance activity. I skipped out on blogging and reporting with the Sisterhood last week. However, I’m holding steady at 153 pounds. No change for two weeks. Ok, maybe I gained a pound and lost it again. It’s very probable that happened. Today, however, there is nothing I can add to my food bank donation. A shame, but I guess it’s better than gaining a lot. Especially considering I’m not exercising every day. This just seems to be the story of my fitness life lately.

2 days at the gym last week and 2 days so far this week. I am just so “on again, off again” it’s amazing. In my previous post from this morning, I blamed work for my lack of blog activity. Can I blame work for this too? No I can’t. I work out during my lunch break. It’s the only part of my day I can actually control and yet…I still find reasons to bail on it all the time.

I won’t lie, I’m bailing on the gym today. However, I vow to go again tomorrow and try my level best to round out the week with a Friday visit too. I hope my other “sisters” have been kicking (and losing) more butt than me!

Workin’ it, but not in a good way.

I’ve been “workin’ it” a lot at my desk, that is. Good because it equals extra money for me. I’ve got a lot of freelance design coming at me lately and it occupies my nights after I spend time with my husband and daughter. Not good because I already sit at a desk all day long for my full-time job. All this sitting has devastated my motivation. Even when it’s time for my lunch break, I still seem to remain mesmerized by a computer screen rather than getting the hell out of the office and into some fresh air and non-florescent light. (Damn you, FaceBook!)

I went to the gym today so I could weigh myself. (Don’t worry, I worked out too.) I am down 1/2 pound since last week – 153 lbs. That’s pretty decent since it’s the first time I’ve been to the gym since last Wednesday’s weigh-in. Shameful. I guess I must have done a good deal of walking over the weekend when I took my daughter to the beach. That makes 8 more ounces of food that I can add to my food bank contribution.

It’s not that I don’t have the time to workout. I definitely do. I just don’t TAKE the time and it seems to be a more and more persistent habit with me lately thanks to the upswing in my life as a designer. I do not like it that I am letting my fitness goals become the lowest priority. Every week I profess to change this, yet every week here I am. Maintaining. “Just do it!”, you might say. Yes, I agree that’s the best attitude to have. In my head I’m all about it. In real life, not so much.

I won’t ever give up though. That’s why I like this Sisterhood stuff. If it weren’t for you guys I probably would have skipped the gym today. Three cheers for peer pressure! The good kind.

Motivational Rule #1: It’s all about the playlist.

I skipped out on reporting my status for the “Lose for Good” challenge with the Sisterhood last week. I didn’t work out and I didn’t blog. The truth is, I’m failing pretty badly in the exercise category these days. That 5 mile race I’m signed up to do this Sunday? I’m totally going to BAIL. My body is just not up to running that many miles. I could totally walk it, but I don’t want to. There will be other races.

The good news is I am down since I first weighed-in to join this challenge. I started at 153.5 and I’m currently at 152. That means 24 oz of food toward my “stash” for a local food bank at the end of the challenge. Not too shabby. I’ve been in a pretty big rut for the past couple of months, but I intend to steer myself out of it. It seems that (hopefully) I’m already starting to.

I went to the gym today and yesterday. Walking for 5 minutes to warm up and then running for about 20 minutes on the treadmill is my typical workout of choice. Some days it’s harder than others and I resign to walking more than I wanted to. Some days, like today, it feels pretty good. A very big part of this happens to be my iPod. Yesterday my iPod was dead and I opted to watch TV. I only felt like walking. Of course, that could have been because I hadn’t worked out in quite a while. I doubt it though. Today the iPod was all charged up and so was I.

Music really moves me when I’m running, but not just any music. It has to be fast-paced. Hip-hop or rap are great. Heavy metal is also perfect and the more aggressive songs are particularly good. The band Disturbed makes some really kick-ass workout music. If you are skeptical just try downloading the song “Meaning of Life”. It’s one of my favorites. (Beware of the fact that it is a tad explicit.) If you’re not a metal fan I recommend something like J.Lo’s “Doing It Well” or “Pump It” by the Black Eyed Peas. (What can I say. My music taste is all over the place.) This kind of musical motivation keeps me moving more steadily than focusing on a TV show. It allows me to lose myself to the point where time flies faster.

Speaking of time flying, I can’t believe we are halfway through September. Where did the summer go? The weather outside is amazing these days. I did NOT, as I suggested in my last challenge post, get out there and “breathe it in” via running/walking. Maybe I’ll get out on the trail, maybe I won’t. As long as I can get myself to the gym on a regular basis that’s good enough for me right now.

Is that can of peas in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

I’m supposed to be running 5 miles on September 20th (Navy 5 Miler) and I’m not ready at all. I’ve been pretty unmotivated for the past few weeks. I managed to hit the treadmill at the gym Tuesday and it hurt a little bit. Ok, a lot. The thing with running is that you have to keep doing it regularly. Otherwise you lose ground quickly. It’s my goal to push myself the next couple of weeks so I don’t – A: Suffer Through It or B: Bail Completely. Maybe I should hire someone to chase me. Is that in the job description of a personal trainer? Maybe it should be.

I am still utilizing the great community at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans. A new challenge called “Lose For Good” just began that is really pretty cool. For every bit we lose, we purchase non-perishable foods equaling that amount (a pound = 16 oz). We collect them and at the end of the challenge we bring them to our local food bank. Nice motivation! Not to mention the impact of feeling a heavy can of veggies in your hand and realizing you just dropped that same amount of weight off your body. Of course in my case I should be buying bags of cookies and cans of beer, but I’m guessing the food bank frowns on those items.

The challenge kicked off yesterday and I did NOT workout! I have excuses as to why, but I won’t bore you with them. I’ll just promise myself that I WILL exercise today and do the best I can each day after that. I am busy lately with work. Especially my freelance work. It’s easy to skip exercise when you think you are too busy. The truth is, exercise = less stress and more motivation. So being overworked and busy = needing a break even if you have to force yourself to take it.

The weather where I live has been IDEAL the past week for running (or walking) outside. The coming fall should ensure that it continues. If I can’t find a way to get out there and move, I am just an idiot. Are you like me? Is the weather nice where you are? If so, get out there and BREATHE IT IN ALREADY. You’ll be glad you did.

Just be yourself. Sometimes.

Disclaimer: This is long and kind of personal, but not personal in an innapropriate way, just personal in a truthful (yet not too truthful) way that makes for a really long and possibly boring post that reads like some pathetic chic’s diary entry. You might abandon it half way through. If you do, it’s ok. I’ll understand. I just need to get it out and write it down ’cause it’s been a very real issue for way too long and it’s finally being dealt with. Kind of. It’s a start anyway.

*****

Is it ok to change yourself to please someone else, or make a relationship work? I think the answer is yes and no. At the core, we are who we are and shouldn’t have to change it much to make someone like us, or to please the people around us. However, relationships (especially marriage) are complicated things. It’s a two-way street…a game of give and take…it’s full of compromises. It’s kind of like a full time job in that it takes work. A lot of work. And patience. And understanding. Don’t forget patience and understanding. Sometimes it needs a lot of forgiveness too.

Ted and I aren’t perfect. (I know! You’re shocked aren’t you?) We have some issues. Not “deal breaker” issues, but issues just the same. We mainly have trouble communicating with each other. I tend to hold everything in and I HATE (and I do mean HATE) confrontation. I HATE (again with the emphasis) having someone mad at me, or yelling at me. And, of course I HATE yelling and getting mad at someone myself. I dislike it so much that I tend to fool myself into thinking I am fine with things I am not fine with just to avoid having to tell someone how I’m feeling. The things that I shove down get under my skin and fester for a while, causing me to do that annoying thing where you say, “I’m fine.” But really? Not fine, and then my mood sucks, and I didn’t get the issue off my chest. Everybody loses.

Ted also has some trouble letting me know how he’s feeling, but it’s different with him. While he doesn’t yell and fight with me on a regular basis, he does have a tendency to be quick with the bad mood and the crappy remarks. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it most of the time. He’s stressed due to work, or his health (arthritis mainly) and he snaps at whoever is in the vicinity. Usually me. He’s quick to switch back and forth from crabby to happy too. It’s like a roller coaster sometimes. A roller coaster I never get off of because I’m too busy being upset to realize the ride is over.

Typical male behavior I think (forgive me males, for generalizing). They get annoyed, lash out, get over it, move on to happy…all in the space of 30 minutes or so. I hold onto my annoyance/anger (that I never expressed to begin with) for a whole lot longer. Like a day or more. It makes for one big vicious cycle where somebody is annoyed pretty much all of the time, and both parties are annoyed at least half the time. Suckage.

It came to kind of a head recently. I won’t go into the gory details, but we’ll just say the constant “cold attitude” from me and his not being able to curb the bad tempered remarks made for a not-so-romantic couple. The not-so-romantic trend had been around for way too long already in all honesty, and it was just getting worse. Add to that the understandable stress of parenthood, finances, work and life in general…sigh…and it’s no wonder that after six years of marriage we are finally hitting one of those “ruts” or “bumpy spots” you hear so much about.

The good part is that Ted and I do have an awful lot of positive stuff in common. Love for one another for starters. Respect and also that awesome sense of humor we both seem to have in spades. (Thank the Lord for that.) The “rut” seems to be filling in. For now anyway. We sort of talked about how we don’t really talk (um, yeah…still not good at talking) but most importantly I (me, myself and I) looked inward a bit to figure out just what the hell my (our) problem was.

I decided to try acting a little less like the stressed, annoyed, cold fish of a wife who’s just tired of being, well, annoyed. I also am trying to stop being so damn sensitive every time he gets pissy and directs it toward my area of the room. I am too sensitive. That’s a fact. Truth is, I KNOW that most days when Ted gets grumpy and speaks to me in a less-than-polite way it’s totally nothing personal. (Usually.) A lot of the time I instinctively know that I should leave him alone for short while and I do. Another truth? I probably do the same thing to him sometimes. He just doesn’t get as irritated by it for as long as I do. (Remember that 30 minute vs. a full day thing?)

Another thing I am doing is to be honest about the fact that he’s very physically affectionate. He loves to touch me and to be touched. For some odd reason that stuff doesn’t come as naturally for me. Not that I don’t like my husband, but I’m not a particularly “needy” person when it comes to touch. He is. I’ve been trying to remember that just thinking in my head that I love him, or that he looks cute isn’t the same as actually saying it to him out loud. Likewise, I need to remember to give him a little squeeze or a kiss even if it’s not what I totally crave at the moment. He probably does need it.

This marriage thing is seriously a learning curve. Ted also has attempted to change some of his habits in dealing with me and our life in general. (Just so you don’t think I am the only one doing any work here!) He actually said to me this weekend, “Thanks for being so nice to me lately.” Sounds odd, but it made me really happy. I hadn’t told him my plan to adjust my interactions with him and it was kind of cool to see that he’d noticed it. I told him about how I figured that I could probably do a better job of letting him know I cared, and how I was trying to not get so bent out of shape at every single less-than-happy reaction/comment he had over some dumb thing or another. It’s working for the moment. He’s happier and so he’s not doing the stuff that gets me “bent” as much. We had a pretty awesome weekend as a result.

I’ll keep this up as best I can. Now that he’s onto me, I think he’ll also try to do the same. Hopefully this cycle of “being nice” will trump the other cycle of stress and shit that was spinning around this house. I’m not stupid, I know bad days will come and go. With practice, however, I hope in a few more years the “being nice” stuff will come more naturally to the point where we don’t have to try so hard.

Then again, maybe 10 years from now I’ll have grown so tired of his crap that I’ll have him locked in the garage with a small cot and a toothbrush…surviving off the kindness of neighbor’s leftovers and beer from his buddies while KC and I live luxuriously in the house by ourselves…shoe shopping online and ordering out every night of the week because neither of us can cook for shit.

Just kidding. I think. Thanks for listening.

Dr. Badass and Mrs. Blob

Total “Badassery”. That’s a word I just made up. I didn’t Google the word, but I’m pretty sure I just made it up. We’ll just pretend that I did. It is a word that sums up what I feel while in the midst of a great workout or run. Like my 10k this past weekend. I am proud to report that I did really well. My time was 1 hr. and 16(ish) minutes. I ran the entire time. No walk breaks. That was my goal and I accomplished it. I felt really good. Until I saw the photos.

Let me stop here for a moment and just say that my Mom is amazing. She met me in Annapolis and actually stayed overnight with me. She paid for my hotel and a very good (and expensive) dinner in downtown Annapolis the evening before. She got up at O’dark-thirty in the morning and went out in pouring rain to stand with an umbrella to shield me while I waited for an hour to start the race. She never complained and never wavered. She wore a smile and was, as ever, my cheerleader. I love you Mom.

She also took a lot of photos, which was awesome. If she hadn’t done that, I would have no photo record of the day. That would have been a shame. However, as much as I appreciated those photos, they also kind of horrified me. Some of them were not, um, flattering. At all. The truth is I hardly ever find myself attractive in photos. They seem to always capture my worst angle. Usually it’s no big deal. I just toss them out put them aside.

But…on this day in particular I had felt the complete and total “badassery” of a real athlete as I moved through each mile. In my mind’s eye I was strong and beautiful. I was long lean legs, strong shoulders with a look of total determination and feminine beauty on my face at all times. All this in my mind’s eye. The camera is cruel. She reveals ashy, chicken skin on not-so-perfect legs, flabby arms, scraggly hair and a face that looked about 10 years older than my regular face. A face that wore a grimace of what could have been mistaken for pain and discomfort. (A few of the photos I speak of were taken by an events company out on the course. They later post them online.) It sucked to see that image looking back at me.

A couple of the photos were alright. I am going overboard on this description. However, I’m just trying to illustrate a point. The truth is, photos are often full of crap. For us mere mortals, photos can be unfair depictions of who we actually are. (Just look at tabloids that hightlight real celebrities in their not-so-perfect moments.) We are far more beautiful in real life than we are when captured in a split-second moment on film. Today at the gym I saw her again. The woman I love. The one I like to think is the real me. The badass, the Goddess, the athlete…ok, ok, I’m being kind of narcissistic now. But, I think you know what I mean.

When I am on the treadmill at the gym, doing my typical run, I feel invincible. Nevermind that I’m not the fastest runner. I feel great. I look over at that full-length mirror and the living, breathing, moving, pulsing, strong body in motion I see there tells the real story. That determined face that reflects back at me is the one I imagine in my mind. (Most days anyway.) The proud girl. The strong, beautiful girl. Nevermind that I still notice all the flaws. They are not as big to me when I’m feeling like “Dr. Badass”. At that point I have run far, far away from “Mrs. Blob” and left her sitting with her coffee and cookies and her self pity. Sure, she’ll be back, but I’ll put on my running shoes and shake her off once again.

A decent shot of me before the race started.

Ok, this one's not too bad either.

*****

I would like to also mention that I’m still “Down with the Sisterhood”. I missed yesterday’s weigh-in so I’m offering it up today instead. Surprisingly have not lost anything since my last report. I’m still at about 151. The new challenge has begun and runs until mid-July. Seven weeks. I will state here and now that I want to make it to 146. That is 5 lbs. I must work on my food choices a bit. It will also be a challenge to keep running now that the race is over. Am thinking I should sign up for a race in July or August to keep me motivated. Not with TNT this time. I think I’ll go solo and pray for some Saturday morning willpower.

Home stretch, finish line and back to start again.

My 10k race with TNT is this weekend. I feel good and prepared. Hopefully I’ll have good pictures to share. I skipped the gym today, but I vow to go tomorrow and Friday so I’m nice and “loose” for Sunday. I am going to continue on with the Sisterhood as well so it’s yet another “Wednesday Weigh-in”. I’m holding steady at 151 this week. Maybe after Sunday I’ll have dropped another pound. After Sunday I also want to try and do the 30 day shred more seriously.

Training for the 10k has been cool. Although, I have to admit, committing myself to meet up with the team every Saturday morning has been tough. Not because it’s too early, or I am too tired and unmotivated. That hasn’t been an issue at all. I feel guilty for leaving my daughter and husband at home alone. Isn’t that silly? Truth be told it’s more my husband. He just doesn’t seem to dig it when I go. If I ask him he says he doesn’t mind. In theory he totally wants me to do something good for myself. But…you know that tone of voice. He says, “Ok, you have to go run.” and really means “Ok, you have to go run and I’m stuck watching the baby until you get back. There goes my Saturday morning plan.” I flat out hate that. I do it too. I think we all do it sometimes. I think we even realize how shitty we are being while it’s happening, but are powerless to stop the attitude from flowing. You know?

I’m sort of relieved that the commitment of continuous “meet-ups” is past and now I can just go workout or run when I want to. (aka When I know it’s convenient for everyone.) Of course, that leaves me worried that it will get put off too many times and I’ll be back where I was before I started training. I seem to use life as an excuse not to “Just do it.” (Sorry Nike.) My big fitness goal is to one day run a half-marathon. I hope to do it on my own. No fundraising team to support me. That’s some serious motivation that has to happen on my part.

What a balancing act it all is…work life, home life, motherhood, marriage maintenance, hobbies, health…it’s no wonder so many of us are stressed out and so many married couples have issues. Thank God we are taking a vacation soon. We need one.

Operation Suck

That’s apparently been my mission since last Wednesday. It’s the very last weigh-in for the SSJ challenge. I’ve done OK overall, but this past weekend/week SUCKED with a capital SUCKED. I am still at 151 lbs. Oh, what the hell. I’ll be honest. I’m probably at 152 or, at least, 151.5. Remember, my scale SUCKS too.

I had such an awesome TNT run the weekend of May 9th. This past weekend was supposed to be the longest run we’ve done. Seven miles! I missed it due to circumstances (kind of) beyond my control. I should have gone out and done a run by myself, but I didn’t. I have KC with me and my husband is in Vegas for a week so I’ve milked this excuse to just not do anything important in the realm of fitness. Shame on me. I even own two, count ‘em, TWO jogging strollers. I totally could have taken KC for a run on Saturday morning. For real. I SUCK.

Let’s not even talk about the gym. Haven’t gone there either. Work is busy…yada, yada, yada. Have sat on my ass, at my desk, eating Oreos for breakfast every day since the last weigh-in. Yeah. “Operation Suck” = huge success. “Operation Lose that last pound to finish up the challenge at a nice even 150 lbs.” = big fat fail. Pardon the pun.

I will push on. I will remain a “sister” for whatever challenge comes next. I will do better. After all, that’s how it usually goes with weight loss, right? You suck some, you lose some. Either way, you just keep on pushing.

Oh, Those Pesky Time-Warps

Did anyone ever see the movie “Ice Pirates”? I think it came out in the 80’s. It was pretty dumb, but also pretty awesome. Especially if you like Sci-Fi, which I really do. In one part they enter some kind of a time-warp and everybody ages really fast for a while. It’s pretty hilarious. You should check it out. That’s what my life feels like sometimes. Like it’s moving along at a ridiculous speed. Where the hell did the last week go? It is Wednesday again and I feel like I just weighed-in for my SSJ challenge, like, 5 minutes ago.

Still holding at 151 pounds this week. That’s cool. So far on this challenge I have not gained and that’s what really counts, right? I had a good week. Went to the gym a lot. Also had a FANTASTIC run with my TNT* group this past Saturday. We did 6 miles and I almost ran for the entire time. Myself and two other girls ran together and helped to pace each other. It’s funny how much better you can perform and sustain your motivation with a group. That is also why I am enjoying this Sisterhood thing. Something about having to report in each week helps to keep fitness a top priority. Plus, the encouragement from the group is great too.

Food continues to be a minor issue. As I write this, I’m munching on my daily cookie breakfast. However, I eat Lean Cuisine for lunch most days so that’s good. I think. I need to take a cue from my daughter. She’s amazing with the veggies and fruits. At only 20 months, she seems to really adore stuff like tomatoes, broccoli, asparagus and strawberries. I really hope she keeps liking this stuff as she gets older. I, on the other hand, will take a bag of chips over some grapes and strawberries anytime. I’ve been trying really hard to eat the same amount of veggies and fruits I feed her. As she matures, it will become pretty obvious how unfair it is that I’m forcing oranges on her while eating Doritos myself. Something tells me she’ll notice that incongruity.

*****

*My fundraising goal for the TNT 10k race is $500 and I’m almost there! If you want to help me out, there’s still time. Just click here to go to my personal page before Friday, May 15th. And BIG thanks to those of you who have already donated. You rock!

Silly Sidebar:
Got another one for my “Statistically Speaking” category that seems appropriate here. Someone searched for “cowbell workout” and found me. Tee-hee. I may have to search that one just out of curiosity.

Maybe it’s the haircut.

I totally got it chopped last week! I feel a bit lighter now. Good thing it’s Wednesday weigh-in time! Last week I was at 153 and this morning I’d swear the scale was hovering over the 151 mark. Those little marks just love each other and they squeeeeze together very tightly so it’s hard to say for sure. Aside from the haircut, I have also been trying to keep up with the gym each day at lunchtime. I am about to go now, as a matter of fact. Also got a run in this weekend even though I was visiting my parents. My eating habits are so-so. I try not to eat so many cookies for breakfast. Maybe that helped too.

I hear over at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans that they are starting the 30 Day Shred all over again on Monday. Not sure I’ll make it every day this time either, but maybe I’ll try to do it a few nights a week anyway. Short post today, I’ve gotta go to the gym while the motivation is still strong and the lunch hour is still upon us! If any of you out there reading my blog have been longing for some weight loss motivation, check out the Sisterhood. It’s a cool blog and community of women just like you and me. No pressure, just support and nice people.